Basically spend most of the morning crying; feeling completely hopeless
Go through my day in a complete state of disarray. Mentally exhausted and without guidance at work. Nobody really cares.
Journal a bit about this. I'm trying to find what triggered this. I don't really have any coping mechanisms for feeling this awful. It's like my brain has just completely betrayed me.
Sort of stuck on a task here. Sprialed out of control. Have to face the reality that I'm not going to get any support about this.
At least do one semi-related task. I'm basically just the guy that picks up tiny tickets at this point. I don't really have any actual impact
Came 90% close to quitting my job today and just throwing in the towel.
I can't quit though. My life is objectively good by most standards. However I'm so lonely and I'm not solving a problem with anyone at all. Nobody really actually cares about the outcome.
Your depression wont magically fix itself because you've quit your job. It will just move onto the next thing (you don't have a job). You cannot trust yourself in this case.
Burnout is just a way of your body telling you that you should be spending time on other things and that you should listen to that and spend time finding a new job
However my leetcode sucks. I don't have projects. I feel completely trapped in this shitty (not shitty) job. I'm struggling to even motivate myself to get better in any of these domains because I feel like I've failed completely as a human.
I know that comparing yourself to your peers sucks but I'm so far behind in that respect. I have no mentors; I have no friends at work. I have no career prospects and I have no network. I'm completely isolated.
The only way to get through here (I live in a remote country) is to have skills that I don't currently have.
Honestly none of this shit would be better at another job. Let's be real. Money doesn't really make me happy and doesn't fill the meaningless vacuum that I feel in life. This is something that I'm going to have to fill myself.
I'm fucking 27 bro. I should have my shit somewhat together. This is embarrassing.
I can only move fowards when I drop all my expectations of myself and be present and fully body the pain that I feel. I know that this is a wall of pain but once you're "on a track" that the feeling of progress will take over. It's going to take like 100 hours or so to feel like I'm making progress though.
Exercise for 1.5 hours. I'm getting fucking fat because I'm overeating. Let's just call it a "bulk". Probably at 85kg. Pull ups are going strong though!
Do 10 mins of German. This was super late at night so I didn't put in much effort; however I'm not shying away completely anymore which is good?
Cook a bunch of meals for myself over the week. Clean up a bunch of shit around the house. This is just "preparing myself for success" in the case that I have a better day sometime in the future I want to be ready.